Friday, February 23, 2007

I Inhaled

Remember the media heyday it was when Bill Clinton was running for President of the United States and admitted that he had tried marijuana but that he never inhaled? Well, if I ever run for the highest office of the land (which is on my “to do before I retire” list) I’m afraid there will be a similar media feeding frenzy surrounding my campaign. That’s right. I have a new skeleton in my closet that I am ready to come clean regarding.

Over the month of February I have struggled with an ongoing virus/cold. From the throat to the chest to loss of appetite to feeling blah, it was a miserable several weeks. It all culminated for the final 10 days in my nose. One evening I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was desperate. Cold medicine of no kind seemed to be working. I combed through the medicine cabinet looking for any possible aid to relieve my stuffy nostrils. I finally hit pay-dirt and found a bottle of nasal spray.

I don’t know how old it was, but I quickly unscrewed the top and begin to snort up as many sprays as I could take in. I was ready to knock out this congestion once and for all so that I could finally get a good night’s sleep. I then quickly jumped into bed, snuggled under the sheets, closed my eyes with a smile on my face and waited to drift peacefully into a wonderful dream where the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.

But my medical treatment plan completely backfired. Within 15 minutes I experienced the most horrible sensation imaginable. Have you ever gone to the optometrist and had your eyes dilated? Remember how sensitive your eyes are afterwards where it seems like every light in the world is trying to enter your eyeballs all at the same time? That is exactly what happened to my nose and to my sense of smell.

As I lay in bed it felt as if my nostrils were the size of watermelons. Every breath I took was a new sensation in breathing overdrive. It literally felt like I was inhaling every odor existing in the world. I couldn’t sleep. Instead of having the best night’s sleep since I got sick, as I had planned, I was now wide awake. Sleep was now the furthest thing from me. I even tried rolling up toilet paper into little balls and stuffing them up my nostrils to try to deaden the sensory explosion that I was experiencing each time I inhaled.

Ultimately, I sat downstairs watching television until 3:30am and then I went back upstairs and finally climbed back into bed and stared at the dark ceiling for I don’t know how long until I finally drifted off. Then, in the morning, I was fidgety as all get out. Now just seeing a bottle of nasal spray sends shivers up and down my spine.

So there you have it. I wanted you to hear it from me before it became the headline stories on CNN and FOX News. Yes, it is true. One night in the year 2007, while pastoring Grace Church in Lititz, I overdosed on nasal spray. But I can promise you this, unlike when this all came out with Bill Clinton, you will never hear me say the words, “I never inhaled!” I inhaled and as a result, I inhaled every smell imaginable all night long.

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