Feeling Intimidated

It’s weird. I can stand in front of a crowd of hundreds and preach without feeling the least bit uncomfortable. In fact, it fires me up. I love to preach. I would do it every day if some of you knuckleheads would come hear me. Some would look at my confidence and aggressiveness as a public speaker and think that I must always feel that way. But the truth is I don’t always feel that way. While I am very relaxed and at home speaking in front of a crowd, I often struggle being in smaller circles, especially if it is with people that I consider true leaders. In fact, as loud and boisterous as I am when I preach, I am just the opposite in smaller circles. I tend to just sit, listen and learn without saying a whole lot. Why? Because believe it or not, I am easily intimidated.

It happened again just recently. I was invited to participate in a meeting with four very effective leaders. I have to be honest. Good, bad or indifferent, I was intimidated. I did not say one word for the entire two hours. I sat in amazement at the dialogue that was going on in the room. I took four pages of notes of phenomenal questions that were being asked and answered. It was awesome to participate in this. But then again, I really didn’t participate…I just listened.

Seriously, I am intimidated being in a small group with businessmen and leaders. My hands were sweating and my mouth was dry and all I did was listen. I mean these four men could run circles around me when it came to leadership. The more they talked the more I soaked up what was being said but the more intimidated I became.

Finally, at the end of the two hours I decided that I better say something. I mean, what would these guys think if I was the only one who didn’t say one word in the entire 2-hour meeting. So, I swallowed hard and spoke up. It started something like this…

“Well, you obviously realize that I haven’t said anything. That’s mainly because I am really intimidated…”

Wait a minute. Did I really say that? The only feeling that is more uncomfortable than feeling intimidated is publicly admitting it! I went on to give my one nugget of wisdom, hoping that it would actually make sense to these amazing leaders that sat around the table. Now don’t get me wrong. I loved being in that meeting. I’m not sure I really fulfilled the purpose for why I was invited but I learned so much and I have found that its being in those times when I feel intimidated that I find myself being stretched and grown.

So, why do I share all this in my blog for the world to read? Simple. It was a great reminder that what you see on the outside of a person may not always be the case on the inside. I may look like a confident leader when you watch and listen to me preach on Sunday morning, but the truth is that I struggle with insecurity when it comes to my own leadership. I really do. I may be comfortable in front of a crowd of hundreds, but put me in a room around a table with a handful of real leaders and it’s a whole other story.