Testing the waters of communication

Yesterday we introduced the importance and ingredients of communication. We begin to look at the five levels of communication. We saw level one, which we called, CLICHÉ COMMUNICATION. Today we will examine two more levels of communication:

Level 2: REPORTING FACTS! This is just one step up from level one. The key here is that we give just facts, but no personal information is exchanged. No feelings are expressed about the facts. We are taking no chances of being rejected. In level one I may say, “Did you see the game last night?” In level two I will report the facts. I will say, “Penn State lost!” Now I will not tell you if I am glad that Penn State lost or not. I will give no feelings…just the facts. Sadly, most marriages and parent/teen relationships are stuck in the rut of level two communication.

Level 3: MY IDEAS AND JUDGMENTS! This is where I begin to share my ideas and decisions but I am very cautious! I will quickly retreat if rejected. Here I do not just say, “Penn State lost!” Here I say, “I’m glad Penn State lost!” But if you respond negatively to my judgment, I will retreat back to level two and stay there.

I like to call this level, “testing the waters.” For example, a teen will come home from school and tell his mom that Billy got kicked out of school for drinking alcohol. He will then test the waters with his mom and say, “I don’t think that’s fair. I see nothing wrong with drinking alcohol!” Now how does the average Christian mom respond? “YOU, WHAT? IF I EVER CATCH YOU DRINKING…!” What did mom just communicate to her son? She just communicated that he is only allowed to share ideas and judgments if she aggress with them! Do you think that young man will come to talk to mom when he is being pressured in the areas of drugs, sex or whatever? Absolutely not! How could mom have responded? She could have said, “That’s interesting. Tell me, why don’t you think it’s wrong to drink?” Now what has mom done? She just communicated to her son that she wants to hear more of his ideas. She doesn’t have to agree with her son. In fact, she can even end the conversation with the old, “As long as you live under my roof you will abide by rules” speech. The key is to allow your teenager to share their thoughts.

The same is true with a marriage. If every time a wife shares her idea, it gets shot down nastily by her husband, do you think she will continue to share her ideas? No, she will retreat back to level 1 or 2 where she will stay. How is this dangerous? Imagine a wife whose husband makes her feel about two inches tall any time she shares her ideas. As a result, she quits sharing with her spouse. However, communication is a basic need that women have. So this wife goes to choir practice at church where she sits next to a man whose very good at communicating. He talks to her and asks her about her thoughts on many different issues. In fact, this man begins to meet an emotional need in the life of this wife that is not being met at home by her husband. As a result, she begins to really look forward to choir practice. Even though she has never looked at this man as being physically attractive, she begins to develop an attraction through this need being met by him and before you know it, she’s calling him, writing him notes and eventually, having a sexual affair with him. Gentlemen, we must learn how to communicate with our wives if we are truly going to be their greatest source of protection.